White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
