i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
