Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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