The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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