I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
