My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
