Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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