he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
