allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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