and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
