So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We are two peas in an std pod
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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