hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
