I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
