he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
