Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
