Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
as a side note pls kill me
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