I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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