my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
im on a boat
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