were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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