So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize