It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
