Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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