she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
