My liver just broke up with me...
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
