This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
