That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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