i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
