sarcasm needs its own font
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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