So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
then he tried to convert me to islam
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
