He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
