I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
