i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
