I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
