i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize