I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
