Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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