i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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