I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
