you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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