I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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