I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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