I'm so fucking centered right now
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
