While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
