sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
