I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
