My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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