I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
