So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
