Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
