does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
