Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
