Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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