Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i out mim tonsoeep
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