I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
