No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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