we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
