take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
