the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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