Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
