Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize