why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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