yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
