I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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