I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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