found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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